I’ll confess a certain lack of sophistication here, but I am not a big wine person. I like it ok, but for me, it’s purely functional (as in, it works pretty quickly to get me to my happy place). I just drink it down without really stopping to taste it. My preferred drink of choice usually involves some type of fruit, some type of hard liquor, and preferably, pretty colors all mixed in a big glass.

I know there are “wine people” who enjoy wine on a whole different level. They’re the ones who take a sip and say something like “Oh yes, I detect an aroma of wet asphalt and a taste of rose petal squashed by a horse” or some such nonsense. Or the ones who will look at a label and say “Ahh, splendid, this particular vintage was harvested in the Kryptonian valley on an overcast spring day while it drizzled rain and the winemaker’s daughter was home sick with a stomach virus and their dog gave birth to five puppies”. You get the idea.

So I’ve decided to experiment a little and start trying different varieties of wine, really trying to taste them and experience what others do. Because, so help me, it really all tastes alike to me. Whites taste like whites and reds taste like reds, and very few have ever made an impression. I’m sure the issue is I haven’t tried a whole lot of different kinds or price points. I do occasionally try a glass of whatever sample they’re pouring at the Olive Garden that week, but I don’t think that’ll get me any cred with the wine snobs. Nor will my liking of that chocolate wine that came out recently.

But I’m going to branch out and splurge a little and see what I find. I really just want to understand what all the fuss is about. I do NOT want to be Paul Giamatti in Sideways, having an angry fit when someone mentions Merlot. I just want to be able to take a sip and say, “This tastes like blackberry and honey and cat pee”, then I’ll laugh merrily and go play polo or something.